Cat

The family cat is known simply as “Cat” as none of the family could be bothered to name him. Cat is our narrator whose acid tongue and sardonic put downs provide the introduction and end pieces to the magazine and provide a unique view on the crazy antics of the Allsort family.

Cat does his best to sabotage every human endeavour; this manifests itself in leaving dead rodents in wash baskets, treading in newly laid cement and stealing any left out food he can.

Cat quote: “They’re on an economy drive again so I’m back to “own brand” cat food. It tastes like rabbit droppings rolled in dust. Do these people not understand that the worse the menu the more fur ball incidents they will have to deal with? Quite apart from that it’s the mental strain of living with a family who think it’s perfectly acceptable to take me on holiday with them. Do they not understand that cats do not do caravans? Me-bloody-ow.”

Favourite pastime: Pooing in the shower tray